I want people to know, so it's not awkward or difficult when we meet, tweet or share facebook comments. No one needs to reply or respond.
My routine 25wk appointment on Tuesday with the midwife was going alright, blood pressure fine, pee sample fine, fit & healthy - yes, any problems - no. Until they checked for the baby's heartbeat. And checked, and checked again. And so they sent me to the hospital - they have better equipment there, so probably nothing to worry about.
'It's not good news Lisa, I'm so sorry' are the words that will haunt me forever.
I saw on the scan, blood from me going in, nothing going round, the pump-pump-pump of the heartbeat I'd seen at 13weeks and 19 weeks wasn't there.
'Fetal demise' it said on the scan report.
I have nothing in my notes to suggest there might have been problems, I've been fit, well and healthy throughout the pregnancy, blood pressure, urine, blood tests have been normal. I haven't drunk alcohol during the pregnancy, I don't smoke. They said that there was nothing I'd done which would have caused it. It was just one of those things.
My initial reaction was to apologise for letting everyone down, for not being able to hang on to it or keep it alive for long enough.
Because of the age and size of it, labour is to be induced on Friday and I have to deliver it.
So after 25 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy, mine will be no more :(
I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Not this time.
My husband Carl has been my rock, he gives the best hugs and makes the nicest cups of tea, he's been really supportive and I've been trying to look after him too. The NHS staff at North Tyneside Hospital and the RVI have been lovely too.
At the moment talking to people is hard, talking to people face to face is even harder. Writing it down is my therapy. Several support groups have been shared with me, and I've got a massively supportive group of friends and family, I should be right. Just give me a bit of time I'll be right as rain soon.