It was just one of those things...

I want people to know, so it's not awkward or difficult when we meet, tweet or share facebook comments.  No one needs to reply or respond.

My routine 25wk appointment on Tuesday with the midwife was going alright, blood pressure fine, pee sample fine, fit & healthy - yes, any problems - no. Until they checked for the baby's heartbeat. And checked, and checked again. And so they sent me to the hospital - they have better equipment there, so probably nothing to worry about.

'It's not good news Lisa, I'm so sorry' are the words that will haunt me forever.

I saw on the scan, blood from me going in, nothing going round, the pump-pump-pump of the heartbeat I'd seen at 13weeks and 19 weeks wasn't there.

'Fetal demise' it said on the scan report.

I have nothing in my notes to suggest there might have been problems, I've been fit, well and healthy throughout the pregnancy, blood pressure, urine, blood tests have been normal. I haven't drunk alcohol during the pregnancy, I don't smoke. They said that there was nothing I'd done which would have caused it. It was just one of those things.

My initial reaction was to apologise for letting everyone down, for not being able to hang on to it or keep it alive for long enough.

Because of the age and size of it, labour is to be induced on Friday and I have to deliver it.

So after 25 weeks and 4 days of pregnancy, mine will be no more :(

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Not this time.



My husband Carl has been my rock, he gives the best hugs and makes the nicest cups of tea, he's been really supportive and I've been trying to look after him too.   The NHS staff at North Tyneside Hospital and the RVI have been lovely too.  

At the moment talking to people is hard, talking to people face to face is even harder.  Writing it down is my therapy.  Several support groups have been shared with me, and I've got a massively supportive group of friends and family, I should be right.  Just  give me a bit of time I'll be right as rain soon.

I suppose I should tell you I'm pregnant

Well yes it's true. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and don't have much of a bump, if you're still doing the maths that means I'm due on 7th October and I fell pregnant in January. It was planned and we, me Mr Lisa (and our respective families) are all very happy and excited.

A Walls Vienetta

My sister started referring to my bump as Vinney until we found out I was having a girl so we change it to Vienetta.

I am keeping a separate (as yet, unpublished) blog about my pregnancy journey so don't worry I won't clog this blog up of gooey cutesy baby pics, talk or whinges (my other blog is for that).

I know I've blogged about having babies before (or rather, reasons why I didn't want them at the time, back in 2008)  But priorities change.

One post I will share with you (from the baby growing blog is this), its my promises to self/baby and of I break them you have my permission to give me a dead leg.

Pre-baby promises (to me, to the baby and to Carl)

I've apologised to Carl (in advance):

1. For the moods, the moaning, crying, hormonal behaviour, forgetfulness etc.
2. For any bad language I use before, during or after the labour (directed at him or not)
3. For telling his dad (or others) not to be touchy-feely, like patting my belly
4. For not doing it (being a mother) right

I'm also making the following pledges:

1. It's my Facebook and it won't be hijacked by baby photos
2. It will have a sensible name (based on my definition of sensible)
3. I will never dress it in an outfit that makes it look like an animal
4. I will not dress it head-toe in pink or blue
5. I will not be forced into breastfeeding; if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
6. I would like to know if it's going to be a boy/girl

I won't dress my kid like this. Ever.

Vienetta Image:  http://www.faziarizvi.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/vienetta2.jpg

Last night I dreamt I was jamming...

Last night I dreamt I was playing a musical instrument with a band in a pub. The instrument I was playing was like a drum but it was box-like and it had cornflakes in it.

On further discussion with Mr Lisa this morning, we came to the conclusion that I was playing a box of cornflakes.

It wasn't just me playing the cornflake box, 2 others were playing their own. And there were some real instruments in this band too.