Tuesday, 2 July 2013

A week ago today, I found out

A week ago today I found out that my bump was no more, but only 3 days since it actually left my body.  I've removed my watch today because I don't need to know what time it is, because I know where I was, the time it was and how overwhelming it was last week.

My eyes stung so much that day, I looked old and tired and ugly.
My head ached.
I didn't want to look like I had a baby up my jumper I just wanted to hide it under baggy shapeless tents.

My days are measured on how many tissues I've used up.
I'm getting better. Only 2 today, but it's only 11am.

I thought I'd want to be back at work this week, to distract me, but I know it's not the right thing to do.  I forgot something yesterday, I'd said to Carl, right I'm going to do this, this and this next.  But when I went to remember the 3rd thing, I forgotten it.  It was just gone from my mind.  I got upset, thinking that I was losing it and that I'd never get back to work.
Today I'm writing things down, so that I don't forget.

We've been listening to a lot of music, or rather I've been sticking music on (sometimes a random mix of songs, other times specific albums).  It has highs and lows.  Lyrical songs make me think too much and I get upset about the words, what they mean, and what they mean now.  Then there are other songs that make me sing along, and I don't take much notice of the words; Oh, everything is average nowadays

One in particular has been played on BBC6 Music, and it's got to me so much now that I'm not sure I want to listen to it (the radio station) for now.  It's by a band called Empire of the Sun, and the song's called Alive.  The song reminds me of how I felt about being pregnant; Loving every minute cos you make me feel so alive, alive. It's a lovely uplifting song, but it's just reminding me about how I was feeling at the time, laid back, relaxed, happy, healthy and full of baby.

Empire of the Sun 'Alive' - which is a really lovely uplifting track

I can't talk about the baby as she.
I talk about it as an it.
I say mine wasn't a real baby because a real baby comes out alive at the end, after 9 months and not 5 and a bit months.
We looked at her. But only the day after.
It didn't look like a baby to me. She didn't look like the baby I wanted to have.
She just wasn't big enough.
We are getting as many tests done as possible to find out what happened and why.
I just want to fill my belly full of baby again, as soon as possible.

I can type emails, but prefer to refer to the blog post I wrote last week rather than have to write it all again.

We have decided that it needs to be called something other than Baby Vincent so we have to now think of a name for it. For her.  We had only just started looking at names and seem to keep putting it off, or rather avoiding it. Avoiding the inevitable.

I'm still bleeding. Maternity pads are all pitched at New Mum.  Not me. Not yet.
My breasts are hard and tender, engorged with milk like I should doing what a new mum does. Not me. Not yet.

I've been potting up vegetables, I suppose my allotment is getting some benefits out of all this. Everytime I find a dead plant I look at it and think, you didn't make it this time....here's another one that didn't make it and I feel a certain sadness, like I know how it feels.

I'm also typing up thoughts an feelings in a separate blog, which I began when I found out I was pregnant - it's interesting to read back, but it's not a public blog, it might have been, but it's not going to be now. Sorry.

But this is The Wonderful World of Loopygirl and not a place for sadness, maudling and despair.  It's a place for reading about my crazy dreams, childhood flashbacks, things I do, things I think and places I go.  I'm not into whinging about how this is shit, how life is shit and how the world owes me a favour - that's not the way I roll.  I pick myself up, say well that was a bit fucking shit, wasn't it? I crack an inappropriate joke and move on.

I know there are always challenges in life, and when you get smacked in the face with one it's about choices.  You choose to sink or swim.  I'm a pisces - I'm a swimmer - you're not sinking me yet.

I won't be posting anything else to this blog about this.
Thanks for reading, whoever (& wherever you are).
Onwards and upwards - yes?
(Just onwards for the time being I think)

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